college

so im in college my first year... its almost over 3 weeks to go its a big change in my life and im really proud of myself for ssticking to it. and im doing really well better then i expected.. i cant wait for it to be done with so i can get out there in the world and live a good life.

thoughts...

i used to think that things would eventually be fine..its so hard to get over stuff that happened so long ago.. why cant i just forget about it ? why does it have to haunt me ? how did i let it kill my emotions ? fuck fuck fuck fuck! i just want to feel! ive got so good at keeping people out.. not letting them close enough .. not letting me even feel the slightest thing for them.. its like i dont know how to get that back.. as much as i try to feel something for something...theres nothing.. i dont care if they stay.. if they go ... we fuck and i just want to leave. even that is really not that pleasureable... like it is.. but i dont think in the way it should be ...and i sleep with these guys thinking maybe ...just maybe one of these times they will make me feel something that i havent before.. some sort of happiness that will make me remember just what it was like...but it never happens...

poem i just wrote..

The sound of the darkness brings me peace

The light of day threatens my release

The smiles I fake the sadness I deny

The thoughts of death of eternal demise

These are the things you’ll see in my eyes

As the smile comes out the tears go in

Forgive me father for I have sinned

I really wish I could cry

But that’s a sign of weakness

Alone with myself ill confide

My hearts gone black

Emotions gone numb

I’m beginning to think

About everything I’ve done

Your face it still haunts me

Consumes my thoughts and my dreams

As I sit here i silently scream

The scars on my body

Are reminders it was real

It was a time in my life

That it was the only way I could feel

The darkness consumes me

There's no light in sight

I’m beginning to think

It’s not worth the fight

They say im a survivor

But faith I do lack

Everything you’ve taken

I can never get back

wondering..

wondering what life has planned for me...as a sit here im left wondering why my life is how it is..why im alone..why it seems no one could ever love maybe thats why its my most cherished desire to be loved...to feel wanted  .. i dont really know anymore what i want...what i need..maybe i have been looking in all the wrong places.. maybe its just not meant for me...maybe im sapposed to be alone.. maybe this is my punishment..to never feel the happyness..to never feel like i actually belong..to feel like a outcase not capable to even care for herself so why should i let someone into my life who i may never care about only there because i want to know im cared about...how selfish that would make me..to have never known love is such tragedy to have loved and been completely destroyed is a massicare of the world. how does one go on knowing that things wont ever be different..life is but a nightmare..wakeing up brings new torture..the very thought of being awake haunts me to my core..feeling the darkness the sense of emptyness..i wish to sleep to never wake. to not have to endure another moment of this pain..

hello, its been awhile

hello there fellow bloggers.


its seems like forever that i have wrote anything on here im sure some have wondered what happened...well i went though a pretty tough time for a while started cutting again and such. i had to get my life in order again and get rid of the kaos. im doing some what better now.. im in my first year of college second semester which ends in april if all goes well ill be going to my 2nd year in september im in criminal and justice studies for corrections or something like that...ive decided i want to help people . to know there not alone. and when they feel like they have nobody ill be there to show them there wrong..i hope to accomplish this as if i can fix someone elses life even though i cannot fix my own this will be the accomplishment...ive cam to the realiseation that its never going to get better and that i will always feel how i feel.. as much as i try to feel something for anyone really. it doesnt happen...there was one time in these past months i did find someone who seemed to complete me understand everything and accept me for who i was...as he was the same way..he lives in my town. i thought we were perfect for eachother..i actually thought i did feel something for him..maybe i do..but hes with another girl...we barely speak anymore ..but i know in my own fucked up way ill always love him in my own weird way.. even though i dont even know wut love feels like but im sure this is it..when i see him my heart feels like its being stabbed by a thousand knives. i cant even speak to him as no words even come to mind...maybe its hes the only one i could really talk to..and i miss that.. or the fact that i really thought he was finnaly the one i could see being with for the rest of my life...either way it was only a fantasy i let myself believe...the hardest part now will be forgetting...anyways theres alot of rambaling in this it seems about different things so ill stop now... but im back. i hope you all have been well.