thoughts...

i used to think that things would eventually be fine..its so hard to get over stuff that happened so long ago.. why cant i just forget about it ? why does it have to haunt me ? how did i let it kill my emotions ? fuck fuck fuck fuck! i just want to feel! ive got so good at keeping people out.. not letting them close enough .. not letting me even feel the slightest thing for them.. its like i dont know how to get that back.. as much as i try to feel something for something...theres nothing.. i dont care if they stay.. if they go ... we fuck and i just want to leave. even that is really not that pleasureable... like it is.. but i dont think in the way it should be ...and i sleep with these guys thinking maybe ...just maybe one of these times they will make me feel something that i havent before.. some sort of happiness that will make me remember just what it was like...but it never happens...