feb/28/2011

ah what a few days it has been. i know i havent posted anything i just didn feel up to iti pretty much just slept the last fw days away i didnt have to work so i figured there was no reason i even had to wake up. although i did wake up one night but only to smoke a crap load of weed. just to go bak to sleep anyways. lol. made me sleep even better i think. i hope everyone out there had a good weekend and it was a little more productive then mine was.

feb/25/2011

today was a "good" day i guess you could say no self harm and didnt really think about it. tryed to keep myself as busy as possible but not as im alone my brain starts thinking . oh stupid night how i dread the darkness, being alone. thats when im at my worst . when the fight to awake in the morning lingers the quiet brings nothingness everythings so still, how i dread that silience it feels like a knife sabbing into my soul as i wait for the sun to rise so i again can put on that smile and go into the world pretending im fine,,ive go so good atlying people dont even ask questions anymore, everyone thinks im perfectly fine,,sometimes i wonder if anyone can see past all thats fake or if anyone even cares too cuz so far it seems they could careless.

Slowly Walks Out On Life (poem)

She stares at her feet, As she slowly walks out of her life
Leaving the pain, she couldnt handle it
and she doesnt think she was meant to
They never told her how much she meant to them
and how much they loved her
So she sat there on the corner of death
Waiting,feeling along, only wanting a friend
This is the moment to remember her
Remember her smile,
She doesnt have one positive thing left in her mind
Not one good reason to live
The lively girl has drained out of this one
Not knowing they were the same person
She is drowning,Drowning in her fear
The razor wasnt real,she thought the blood wasnt either
But now she has proof that they were all so real
Thats how the endd her life
Her tears silent, Her memory loud, Her pain unbearable
And all she has to remember is a scar, A scar that got too deep
This is the last of what she left
As her breath shortens and her eyes close
As she slowly walks out of her life , tip toeing across the broken glass
She is free at last
Her memory loud
Her life now gone.

Feb/23/2011

Ah another sleepless night oh how i dread the sun shineing threw that window , my eyes burn and my head feels like its spinning , ive just been laying here thinking all night about everything..i hate feeling like this. i hate everything really. nothing even seems to go right...i sleep with multiple men none of them ever meaning anything to me. i know for a fact i mean nothing to them , which doesnt bother me. i know thats not right i should feel something right ? i dont know what im searching for  maybe a feeling maybe just trying to see if anyone can make me feel alive again. but it never happens. just people who's faces ill forget and whos names ill never remember , my innocence is lost and my soul is dead the devil has decieved me and god has abandoned and forgot about me. what a lose ,lose situtation. one day i hope to find myself again ,find the smile that has been missing for so long. and find the love ive been longing to feel again. i just want to feel anything for that matter ...maybe one day..heres to hope

The Song That I Can Relate To The Most Right Now

"Dear Agony"
I have nothing left to give
I have found the perfect end
You were made to make it hurt
Disappear into the dirt
Carry me to heaven's arms
Light the way and let me go
Take the time to take my breath
I will end where I began

And I will find the enemy within
Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Dear Agony

Suddenly
The lights go out
Let forever
Drag me down
I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end

And I will find the enemy within
Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

Leave me alone
God let me go
I'm blue and cold
Black sky will burn
Love pull me down
Hate lift me up
Just turn around
There's nothing left

Somewhere far beyond this world
I feel nothing anymore

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

I feel nothing anymore

Feb/22/2011

well today has just begun its 2pm here , im just hanging in my room. curtains closed the light seems to hurt my eyes ,i feel content when im alone, i guess that may not be the right word to describe it..but it works for now.  i dont really know how to act around people anymore i feel so different from others that how could i possibly fit in.. and im tired of pretending to be something that im not, but i also dont want them to know that when im alone i sit in the dark and cut myself  just so i can feel something  just so i know that im still alive , i hear the silly comments and the rude accusations of the ones who are around me of people who cut and how they are just wanting attention and just doing it becuz they have nothing better to do...little do they know a person within there circle does it. i wonder if maybe they would have a change in their perception but i highly doubt it..they shall never understand what its like untill they have been there. its NOT for a attention and its certainly not because i have nothing better to do...i would rather not be this way i dont wish this apon anyone at any time. but its something i deal with and something i cannot controle. judge away, its not as easy to stop as people think it is..

Febuary/21/2011

well today was...interesting i suppose you could say..its good to find out people who you thought were your friends and who you think you can trust turn out to be fakes and liars. i dont see why people have to put up a front on who they are if you really dont care then done pretend to why waste anyones times ... i dont really to much though i dont really feel anything because of it...i havent felt anything in a long time. just numbness. the same for anything really. i dont even remember what it feels like really.. how it feels to be happy. or excited or even sad for that matter. its just nothingness. emotionless. its kinda pathetic really how does someone escape this? how does one feel again..ive never felt more alone even when im around a bunch of people no one sees me for who i am. i put on a fake smile a few fake laughs here and there and no one thinks anything else...no one will ever know that deep inside im screaming and i just need 1 person to save me ...

Febuary/20/2011

So this is my first posting..im not really sure who reads this or even if anybody will but i know im not alone in the feelings that i have or the thoughts that seem to comsume my mind. and maybe just maybe somebody else out there feels the same way i do..as the name of my blog says everyday is a struggle to stay alive. and my struggle is depression and suicide with a small dose of cutting on the side...i suppose i should introduce myself. my names shay and im 22 years old. i decided that everyday i will write how im feeling things ive done and gone through that day. just my overall feelings and decisions that were made. maybe poems ive wrote or found that ive liked. this is really just a way to get it out of my head and out there. please dont judge me and if you have anything bad to say then say it elsewhere . a little about me i live in ontario canada, i have all my life.. when i was 6 untill about 12 i was molested, when i was 13 i began cutting myself , doing drugs and drinking anything to escape the pain i was feeling it all helped for a few years ..after a while my parents found out and sent me for "help" doctors , special schools. nothing changed no one understand how it feels when they have never been there never felt this way never cut themselvs. everyday is truely a struggle , a stuggle with your mind body and soul to even get out of bed , no one gets it. they just think they do. im 22 years old now ive been self injuring for 9 years now. some days are better then others ive gone months without cutting but one day can change it all and i fall right bak.. over the next while you'll see my journy...goodbye for now